Oh, the holidays! Time for forced social interaction with people you barely talk to for most of the year. Time for that annual tradition of blowing your savings buying gifts that your friends and family don’t want in their house and pretending to gracefully accept gifts you don’t actually want to bother hauling back to your house. Even worse, there’s always someone who spends an extravagant amount on their gifts or hand-makes some time consuming crap. That person who really get into gifting, you see them sitting there and judging you over your line bought gifts from the Home Shopping Network that you bought to earn those bonus miles. It’s a war, people! If you play the game of gifts, you win or die. This year, take no prisoners with your gifting and let people know how you really feel about the Holidays with this ultimate list of passive-aggressive Holiday gifts. This list is perfect for delivering some subtle (and not so subtle) messages to your loved ones.
Less-Than-Glamorous Framed Photo – Troll the family narcissist by cyber stalking their 2008-2011 Facebook pictures, before Facebook had rules to prevent your “Friends” from randomly tagging you in every photo they upload. Find a pic where your narcissist had too many drinks and looks to be about half a shot from having to worship the porcelain goddess. Get that shit printed and framed in a really expensive frame. Bonus points for including instructions where said framed photo can be hung up in the Narcissist’s house.
Toddler leashes – The perfect message for the checked out parent who sewed their wild oats and who can’t be bothered with keeping their crazy progeny in check.
Gym/Diet equipment – A not-so-subtle way of calling out your cousin’s relationship/work weight gain. Bonus points for delivering the gift with a personal story about how it helped you to lose that five extra pounds you had, once.
Dating Site Memberships – Excellent gift from an older relative to a family member hitting his or her late teens who should really have the consideration of carrying on the family line. Bonus points if the recipient is already in a relationship.
Airline Gift Cards – For the family member who lied to you about being too busy at work and plane tickets being too expensive to make the time to come out and see you.
Self-Help Books – This is a really nice way of saying that someone is an idiot or is missing basic life skills.
Magnum Sized Value Wine – Not to be confused with a nice bottle of wine that you pay a lot of money for – any value giant sized wine is essentially calling out your relative’s tastelessness and alcoholism. Bonus points if the wine is in a jug rather than a bottle.
Maid Service – You’re a pig and you can’t clean up after yourself. You know it, I know it, dogs know it. Fix it or you don’t get invited back next year.
Personal Hygiene Equipment – You can’t take care of yourself. You’re a total fixer upper. Bonus points if purchased in conjunction with an online dating subscription.
Gift Card to Inconvenient Store – This one says: I don’t like you at all. There’s nothing redeemable about you. I bought you a gift purely out of social necessity. Bonus points if the gift card value is too low to possibly purchase anything in the store.